From the moment we knew we were pregnant there were many posts that I was looking forward to writing. I was looking forward to sharing so much about my baby- all the details. I thought “Hey, I’m kind of a mommy blogger now”, how cool! But, sadly things have progressed much worse since our six weeks update. While many people prayed, including and especially us our child, Taylor Truth Rothstein went to be with Jesus last Thursday, September 5, 2013.
We shared this status on my personal page on Thursday:
My numbers have dropped from 240 to 160 in two days. The baby is letting go. I’m miscarrying.
The good news. Yes, somehow in the middle of all this there is good news.
I was pregnant and we will keep trying to get pregnant for as long as my body holds out.
I am a mother. No one, nothing can ever change or take that away from me.
There was a person named Taylor Truth Rothstein who changed my life forever and bonded RJ and I in a way that is a miracle even if they didn’t survive. And despite all the grief and madness that I’m teetering on I’m grateful for all that.
I’m grateful that I know I will see my Taylor and I will pray that God will let me see them in a dream until I can see them with my own eyes. I’m grateful that I KNOW I will see my child someday and I will know they are mine. I’m so thankful that God, in all of his terrifying majesty does provide a way to live with him and all those we love who live him forever. I’m just going home a little later than my baby.
I just wish I could have seen them once, you know, even on an ultrasound screen. I never even got to see them. When people lose a child later in life they have a memorial, but I won’t even get to have that. That makes me sad. I wish I could have seen them and I wish I could really say goodbye.
Taylor, I’m so sorry- Mommy and Babbo and love you forever and ever.
Only one verse from Scripture seem right now
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.” Job 1:21b
Because I praise God so much for this little life and this beautiful blessing!
Thank you all for the prayers, we’ll need so many more in the coming days.
Then, because we wanted to honor our child and include it every way possible, we shared this as a life event on Facebook.
In Memory of Taylor Truth Rothstein- September 5, 2013
Our first child. Only known to us from August 25th, 2013 through September 5th, 2013.We only got to carry this little one for a short time. But, we rejoice in their short little life! Taylor- Mommy and Babbo still can’t wait to meet you and kiss you and call you ours! We love you forever and ever and you will never be forgotten or replaced. We can’t wait to know someday if you are a boy or a girl and see your beautiful face!
We are grateful to know that we will come to you one day and you are safe and whole with Jesus until then.
Many of you will have seen those posts already, but we wanted to share more about our child and how we are coping.
The miscarriage itself has been, more physically and emotionally painful than I imagined it would be. We spent Wednesday night with out small group and we prayed together for a miracle and for healing. In my Mommy heart, I felt like it was already over. When I woke up bleeding on Thursday morning, I told RJ, “I think Taylor is letting go” and the tests I took that morning confirmed it. We spent much of the day in tears and prayer. Something that occurred to me instantly and I couldn’t even give words to it was “I’m going to have to flush my beloved child”. I was horrified. But, then I was comforted by (of all things), the movie Titanic. I remembered how Rose had to let go of Jack. It wasn’t her time to die. She was supposed to live. I thought, “Kari, as much as you want go too, it’s not time. You have to stay and you have to live. You have to live for RJ and for any other babies. God is big enough and doesn’t make mistakes, if it was your time, too you would know.”
It wasn’t my time. And when the time came that we had to say goodbye to the body of our child, that’s what we did. We have no gravesite and the baby was so small that when we picked to say goodbye was somewhat random. We stood in our bathroom and told Taylor how much we loved them. I thanked God for their life and promised that they would never be forgotten and they won’t. In that precious moment, I knew I had to live. I knew there would be moments when that would make me sad. But, I knew I would live and that I needed to live boldly for God and joyfully for RJ and hopefully our future children. I will always cry when I hear that music, even if it’s just in my head. But, I know I will go on.
That’s where I am now. Right before I found out I was pregnant. I became enamored with Katy Perry’s song Roar. It’s a great song and after hearing it a few times I cried out in desperation to the Lord about how much I wanted to be a mother and how I wanted him to make me strong. I wanted him to infuse me with his strength and goodness to face the future, possibly childless. Remember, I didn’t know I was carrying Taylor yet. Then, when I knew I was pregnant, I thought I achieved it and like I was the champion because I have a baby. Now, I think God was preparing me to be strong in a way different from what I imagined. I know it sounds weird to take so much comfort from a pop song. But, I know God has been grooming me to make me stronger and I am his beloved daughter and I’ll be a warrior for him all my days. I’ll be a prayer warrior, I’ll champion people who need encouragement and I’ll tell my broken, sad story and hope that he can use it for his glory.
Titanic and Katy Perry- definitely an unlikely pair of things that would be pulling you through a miscarriage. But, it’s not really them that are doing it. They are merely images and music.
We will make it through this because of God. Because our wonderful Heavenly Father brought RJ and I into each other’s lives, gave us this beautiful child and has been carrying us through this dark time. I don’t understand why my Taylor couldn’t make it. I understand scientifically, that their little body was so broken they couldn’t sustain life. But, I believe in a God who works miracles and I wanted him to answer me in a way that kept my baby alive. But, he didn’t. But, that doesn’t mean he isn’t still working miracles. I’m alive. We were very worried about several points about hemorrhaging, but thankfully that never happened and my body is healing well now. My heart will take a lot longer to heal. We had a baby! That’s a miracle! God has shown me that he loves me more than I ever thought possible, because he believes I can come through this and praise him. That’s a huge amount of trust and hope that he has in me- because I sure don’t feel that way sometimes. God wants me to be a better person so much that he’s leading me through this one step at a time. That’s quite an honor. But, there’s a grieving part of me that doesn’t want to serve and doesn’t care about helping others. I just want my Taylor. I miss Taylor growing in my body and I miss planning for their future. But, I know that as a Christian this earth isn’t my home and my life isn’t about my comfort zones, but it’s about pointing others to Jesus.
I know for people who aren’t a Christian that what I’m saying may seem crazy. But, I truly believe it. I know God loves me so much that he sent HIS son to die for me so that I can have fellowship and eternal life with him. I know God brought RJ into my life. I know God gave us Taylor. I don’t know exactly what he’s doing right now and how he’s going to use this. But, I’ve been believing and clinging to God’s promises in these verses.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4
I believe them and sometimes it’s very hard. But, I’m praying and leaning to trust and praise in a whole new way. Oh, it’s so hard. I want to see my Taylor and I don’t know why God has to pick this way to make me strong or to help anyone. But, I know that I can’t make it through this without him and fighting him and running away will only make it harder. Even as I have written and edited this post, I’m struggling. I don’t want to be brave or strong. I want my baby to live! Oh, this is so very hard. I miss my baby! I just wish for one kiss or one hug. Sometimes now, I truly feel like my heart will break. How can I laugh? How can I enjoy lemonade? How can I plan for a future without my baby in it? How? It hurts so much sometimes and I just miss Taylor so much.
Thank you so much to everyone for the outpouring of love. We are thankful for every like, comment, prayer, message, meal, and flowers- every single bit of love sent our way. We are truly blessed with some wonderful friends and we thank you for easing our burden and celebrating and grieving with us.
We would appreciate your prayers that my physical healing will continue and that we will allow God to minister to our hearts and keep us strong. I hope this isn’t the last time that we’ll be posting on the Baby category. We plan to try for more children, how could we not? Taylor’s little life was such a blessing! We will be hoping and praying that God will bless us with a healthy child and look forward to sharing that joyous news with you someday.
We’re still figuring out how we want to honor Taylor. We want to do something to honor this beautiful life; actually we want to do several things. We’ll share about that in the future and how we celebrate Taylor’s life.
Taylor, your Mommy loves you so much! I am so sorry that you couldn’t make it to live here with us, but I’m so glad you are with Jesus. Mommy is going to do her best on earth to take care of Babbo and tell people about Jesus and about you. I can’t wait until the day that we will all be together in Heaven and I will kiss you. I hope that I can see you someday in a dream, before I die. But, if not, you are still the 2nd person I want to hug in Heaven (right after Jesus). I love you so much and even though Babbo and I can sing and smile again you will NEVER be out our hearts! You always be my first child, my miracle baby! We love you forever and always! Thank you for making me a mommy!
Kari and I prayed for a miracle for a long time and then it finally happened. Then, when things weren’t going as planned, we prayed for another miracle, but this one didn’t happen. Does that mean that God is any less great? Does that mean that he couldn’t save our child? No! It doesn’t mean either of those things. Does it mean that God didn’t listen to us or care about us? No, not at all. I’m already seeing different miracles take form right in front of me. Kari and I are closer than we’ve ever been, and I think we’re both closer to God then we ever have been. That’s the real definition of a blessing, anything that brings you closer to God. For so long Kari had asked, “If God loves us so much, why is he blessing other people with babies.” I’d respond by saying that maybe that’s what they needed to help them be closer to God.
We’ve enjoyed the blessing of friends that love us and care enough about us, to pray with us when only a miracle would change things, and would be there for us with every means to comfort us they had when the miracle we were expected didn’t. All the while it’s made me more amazed what a big God we serve. This may come as somewhat of a shock, but we’re not always the most popular people. Up until a couple of years ago, we didn’t have very many friends that we were close to at all. This is where some of what’s gone on in our life starts to make some crazy sense. God knew we had to go through this. And maybe the reason why we didn’t get pregnant earlier was so that these specific people could be in place to help us. Because without those people we wouldn’t be making it right now, and I know that they are God sent, and that makes me thank him.
The biggest miracle in all of this is that we conceived. Some part of me had given up on ever being a dad. And now I am. I know that lots of people won’t think about it that way, but I always will. The pain I’m going through matters too. I know that, and the people around us know that. And that too amazes me.
Of course I’m sad. Part of me always will be. We’re not even all the way through the physical part of this for Kari, let alone all the things that we’ll go through that will hurt for a long time. We still need prayers. Specifically that Kari’s HCG levels return to 0 quickly, and that we can have another baby soon. We need prayers for my work situation too, but that doesn’t seem nearly as big now.
I’d like one more prayer. I talked about how I’m a dad now, but that’s not all I am. I’m also a writer and blogger and reviewer. Kari is too. Aside from a baby, this blog is probably our biggest passion, and it’s something we’d really like to thrive. So pray for our other dream as well. And please come back and read about other things we think. I can think of no better way to honor Taylor than to truly live, and with gusto. Thank you so much for everything, I never thought we’d feel so loved.