Yesterday, October 3rd, marked 3 weeks since we lost our sweet Taylor and tomorrow, October 5th, will be the first month anniversary of losing our baby.It’s hard. It’s so hard. It’s so very hard that I (Kari) met up with a new friend who has also lost a child recently and “it’s so hard” was the phrase that we said most often.
My mommy heart still aches and breaks for my sweet one. I’m resuming the activities of life, sleep comes easier and I have hopes and dreams for the future. But, I still miss my baby. I can smile and I can laugh- but I cry a lot too. Less now, but I’ll always miss my Taylor and no matter how much time passes from tomorrow until I’m a little old lady I will miss my Tay-tay every minute.
The day before we lost Taylor, I was so grieved because I couldn’t find “hope”. I felt faithless because I was surface hoping for a miracle, but part of me had already knew that I was going to lose her. (Yes, I know we didn’t know the gender, but I’m the mommy and I knew when she was there and I knew when she left me and I think she’s a girl. If I’m wrong my handsome son can tell me so in Heaven, someday- but until I have a dream that convinces me otherwise or see my Taylor in Heaven- she’s a girl.) I was lying on my couch in between praying with friends and watching Taylor Swift on my phone (yes, Taylor is partly named after Taylor Swift and partly after a famous male Taylor and you can read about that in her memorial post). She was jumping up and down in the Staples Center with Ellie Goulding singing “Anything Could Happen”. We’d heard that song on New Year’s Eve and I told RJ- “look this song is our song- and we’ll have a baby this year, I know it”. And we did! RJ didn’t like the song so I didn’t buy it, but I kept thinking of it and even listening to the free preview on iTunes. As I lay there, feeling my Taylor get weaker and trying to pray for faith for a miracle. I heard Ellie and Taylor sing a bridge that I didn’t know was in the song that repeats: “I know it’s gonna be, I know it’s gonna be”. I knew then that it was over. I just cried. I knew it was going to be over and we would lose our sweet Taylor.
Every time I see Taylor Swift jumping with her beautiful blonde hair swishing I think of my daughter is happy, strong and healthy too. She’s just in Heaven instead of here with me. While I grieve never getting to hold her or kiss her or give her dolls and dress, I rejoice that she’s safe and whole. I know I will see her again. Until then, I’m so grateful that she’s safe and will never any hurt, heartbreak or cruelty. I love you, sweet baby, and your name is written on my heart forever.
While I was beginning the grieving process I started looking up about miscarriage playstlists. I’m our house DJ and our readers know how important music is to me. I found some beautiful songs. But, I wanted to remember to repay the kindness that I’ve been giving by sharing music by sharing my own personal playlist. We’ll be sharing it in sections over the month of October in memory of our sweet Taylor Truth and in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.
I thought we’d been through some difficult things, and we have, but nothing compares to losing a child. I’m so thankful to have the Lord as our anchor and he’s carried us through this time, so tenderly and so powerfully.
It’s a good reminder that we do the best we can and we have to keep trying and dreaming for things that matter.
Both of these songs really speak to the depths of sadness and grief that we’ve experienced. They are powerful reminders that God makes beautiful things from our messes and hurts and he’s always there as a source of strength.
I love how this song points about blessings we experience in good and bad times and how God is always good whether life’s circumstances are pleasant or excruciating. Recognizing that can be hard, but the result is so sweet.
This song has counseled us like a dear friend and we’ve used it during my diagnoses, infertility and now the loss of our precious Taylor. It’s true. Blessings are anything that brings you closer to God and sometimes they are painful. Leaning on God and trusting in his goodness in our deepest loss has convinced me more than ever of the continual presence of his love.
A good song to remind us that being broken happens, but strength grows from brokenness.
At some point in your loss, dreaming of the future and plans starting bubbling again. It’s very hard and oftentimes you can feel guilty. But, this song helps me remember that I can be sad about my loss, but I’m still here and God wants me to live. I have to find the things that he wants me to do and do them until my time on earth is finished. Those first few dreams and plans are so painful, but if you are suffering a loss, know it’s okay to dream and hope!
I’ve loved this song since I was a little girl. It perfectly depicts the grief process.
I’ll always grieve and miss my Taylor. But, I’m still hopeful for another child. Babies that are born after a loss are called rainbow babies and I’m praying now for “rainbow” to come after the “hurricane” devastation of our loss.
This song perfectly paints a picture of what RJ and I would like to say to our sweet Taylor with all our questions and our love for them.
We’ll share more of our favorite music for this difficult time soon. We’ll also be sharing about the ways that we are memorializing our Tay-tay.
(The links take you to Amazon and you can preview the songs. The previews are free, but if you want to buy the songs you can help support The He Said She Said Experience)